Noise
by Paranoid Blue
Summary: The Doctor likes noise. He needs noise but sometimes, sometimes the noise stops.


_Guess who's back and this time, I bring you an angsty Doctor Who fic!  
_

_Y'all know the drill by now I'm sure. I don't own Doctor Who yadda yadda yadda so just kick back and enjoy the angst! _

_Read, Review and Enjoy!_

* * *

He likes the noise...That's what he always tells everyone, he never tells them why he likes it though. Noise in general keeps him sane. During the day, there is always background noise or something else that keeps him occupied. That's why he likes to move, to be active, to visit, to save...Anything to distract him from his guilt. But late at night, after his companions have gone to bed, there's little he can do. He used to continue visiting times and places but eventually he can't keep it up any longer. The TARDIS, bless her diodes, tries to keep him busy but she's not always successful...No matter how hard she tries, he eventually gets left to sit and do the most dangerous thing. Think.

Without noise or activities, he can hear them. The Time Lords were a telepathic race. Even when not directly communicating, some thread of consciousness connected them all. He had forgotten, it was as normal to him as breathing, and, as a result, he ended up hearing the final moments of every Timelord. He shudders, the screams haunt him.

Mothers crying for children not yet old enough to face the Untempered Schism, older children crying for their parents, Fathers crying for their families, looking desperately to save them. All failed. Eventually silence descended and the Doctor was left empty. Thousands of minds ripped away at once leaving a gaping wound.

It proved too much for the Doctor. He passed out and when he wakes up, he's a new man. A man hardened by ending the lives of his entire race, a man who listened to thousands die by his hand. A lonely God. Emotions are hard to feel. He is too tough now. He hopes that by repressing them it will let him forget his repulsive role. It doesn't work. He regenerates to save the life of the girl who made him feel again. When he recovers, it is not as easy to suppress as before. Eventually, they make reappearance and lead him to break the very laws he used to uphold. They drive him insane.

A brief moment of relief and joy, too great to be expressed, occurs upon finding that another member of his race survives. No matter who they are, he can overlook their evil in the face of his own, much greater burden. For a minute, there is another mind. He had forgotten the sheer indescribable relief at having another mind joined to him, but all too soon, it's ripped away again and any joy he felt with it. The link shattered the same way as the others, with the shouts and screams of its owner.

Again, the pain drives him to regenerate but this time; he is unable to suppress it at all. He hides it instead. Behind the bow tie and the crazy schemes, behind his cheerfulness and optimism, hides a broken man who wears a mask to cover the hurt.

When he's alone, it's all he can focus on. Each Time Lord's final moments. Sometimes he can hear them blame him. They know who it was and hate him for it. Their vitriol spills into him and he feels the hate from all of them at once. He won't let the TARDIS do anything though. He deserves their hate. He doesn't like it but he deserves it. So many lives destroyed because of him. Occasionally, other voices will join in, companions whose lives he ruined, lost or simply moved on. Races that got caught in the Time War. Planets destroyed by the enormous feedback explosion from the final act.

He looks up and sees his reflection in the glass. It glares at him. This has happened before, when the Dream Lord kept them all hostage. The Doctor's reflection would morph into him and the Dream Lord would glare...That's how he figured out who he was, but this time the reflection remains the same face that looks at it, his. It judges him, glares, and then looks away in disgust. It's too much.

The Doctor breaks. It's the first time he's cried in many, many years and it can't be stopped. All his grief and rage pours out in a stream of silent tears and a heartbroken scream, The TARDIS feels it and tries to help, but the Doctor's mind walls are too strong. She tries desperately time and time again, but the Doctor blocks her. He doesn't deserve her pity and sympathy. He deserves this pain. All of it. No-one should help him. He brought this on himself and must deal with it himself.

He remains in his prison for a long time. Time is relative in a time machine but he has a lot of pain to deal with. The TARDIS tries to find someone to help but is unable to reach anyone, the Doctor's voices keeping her a prisoner in her shell as they keeps him in his mind. Helpless, she flutters around and does the best she can but her Doctor is stubborn.

One day, a long time later, he stirs feebly and takes a deep, wobbly breath. The voices have receded and allow him to move. He sits up with his face raw and his voice gone. "Hey old girl" he croaks. "How long was I out?" The TARDIS has no idea of time. She exists within it but can't judge it so instead, she presses her concern into his mind. He chuckles darkly "I'm fine old girl. Just had a few things to clear up, see a man about a dog and so on. I'm fine now though so where next" The TARDIS tries to protest. The Doctor is in no state to go anywhere at the moment but he's also not listening. He presses her controls and forces her through the vortex and off to some time or planet heedless of her protests. He lands her, opens her doors and breathes a sigh. The noise is back, the voices are muffled for now and he has a planet to save. He adjusts his bow tie once more and steps out, posture changing instantly from a broken old man to that of a cheerful young one. The mask is in place and he has a part to play. If he can't save the voices, he'll save others instead. It's not a perfect system but it works for now.


End file.
